So, I bought a little silver vibrating bullet today.
First off- the packaging. Coming from Babeland, I was a bit surprised- it was just in a seedy plastic baggy. No, I don’t feel like a molesting pervert buying this. No sir.
However, the bag does come with some interesting, if not completely confusing warnings: "This device should not be used over swollen or inflamed areas or skin eruptions. Do not used on unexplained calf. Pain consult physician"
Okay, I can understand the bit about “skin eruptions” Gross, but I get it. I have no friggin’ idea what “unexplained calf” is referring to. Perhaps they've had complaints from calfs, asking for the warning. "Listen, we don't mind getting a little vibratation every once and a while. But please, EXPLAIN it to us."
Sorry, Lil'Bessy. I can't even explain it to us humans.
As for the bullet, it’s a powerful little thing. It takes three watch batteries (that’s about 5.5 volts) packed into about the size of your pinkie. If you get a rise out of your cell phone vibrating in your front pocket, you’ll like this. It’s about the same frequency, but the amplitude is a lot higher- it’s the same vibration of a phone, but just a lot stronger.
I can see where it would be handy to have to provide vibration for toys that don’t have their own vibration already- cock rings, dildos, butt plugs. But the intensity and lack of variation is a big turn off. Also, I can’t get over the fact that it feels like it would give my hand a seizure if it was epileptic.
In sum- could be handy in a pinch, but it is a disturbing vibrating little monster. I’d rather call myself on my cell phone.
Read about her here in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer back in April of last year. She is the Founder/CEO of Lovers Package, A Touch of Romance and Peekay
Okay, adult industry, I'm only going to say this once so listen up...
WOMEN ARE NOT MEN
I don't need to have women porn stars on my dildo packages
I'm not starring in my own "Summer's Eve" commericial that is my life. (Do a search on vibrators on Amazon and see how many daisies you can find. I found about five on the first page.)
Nor am I twelve
Yes, penises are lovely wonderful things. And some mechanical penises can do things that normal penises can't. That's fab.
But I'm more than this
You want to know what really gets me going, oh industry of the "adult"?
Yeah, I know. It's not a toy. However, it's clever. It's dynamic. It's innovative. It's damn sexy.
I feel the same way about the iPhone.* And the Shinkansen (Bullet Train) in Japan. Actually, Japan has a lot of sexy stuff. Can someone please tell me why Love Hotels don't exist in America?
However, there are some honorable mentions in the toy world:
the Cone from the UK (you can find it on Amazon or at your local Babeland store, if you happen to live in NYC, LA or Seattle. For those of us living in LA, Pleasure Chest on Santa Monica Blvd has it also, but they were sold out last week). This baby is POWERFUL and based on the simple idea that not all women masturbate on their backs. (Hello? Can we say "pressure points"?)
The whole line of Natural Contours gets two thumbs up (although I still kind of feel like I'm in a Summer's Eve commercial when looking through their website). Their line of massagers were actually designed by a group of industrial designers from the Netherlands "Groet Design Associates, Dutch Industrial Designers of electronics, home appliances and health and sports products ranging from Panasonic and Ricoh to the Fokker Aircraft cockpit." I'd say those are pretty good qualifications for this sort of thing.
And of course, Lelo. Purrrrrrr.
So adult industry, I know you are making toys, but you are making toys for adults- we are a bit more complex than twelve-year old. Or the plot of a porn movie. I know it's hard to imagine, but we get turned on in many, many, many ways. That's only mean good things for your industry.
Now, are you innovative enough to seduce us?
*ostrich feathers too- only because they make me laugh.
Okay, so it was only me testing my Paypal account. And they took 33 cents for the transaction, so really I lost a third of my startup capital to overhead.
But the value is well worth the 33 cents. I know that you are safe in donating, that I'm receiving your donations and that the Paypal account is pumping away. Yipee!
I'm really excited- I should be getting Sex Toys 101 in the mail soon. I haven't bought any toys yet, as I'm still researching. I must look like an idiot, walking around sex toy shops with my little Moleskine, taking notes. Yeah, I'm taking notes. What can I say? I'm a nerd.
I have garnered some attitude at a few places and I'm not quite sure if it's because I'm writing things down or that I'm in the store for a while but I'm not buying anything. I just want to say "Hey bub, listen... I'm sticking this thing in my baby-making hole. I want to know it's a.) not going to hurt me, b.) give me some sort of reliable pleasure and c.) not bust my wallet's chops. So step aside."
But I don't. I'm not a pervert. I just want to make sure I'm purchasing wisely.
I'm really excited about my new business endeavor- reclaiming the bedroom for the normal, average girl.
I'm not sure if we ever had it, or lost it, but I think it's about time to get control back into our hands, Girls Gone Wild be damned.
If you want to read a little more about my manifesto and why this came to being in the About page.
I've also started a Myspace page- you can find me here.
And don't forget- I am taking $1 contributions for funding. I have some savings that I'm throwing at this, but everything I'm reading about enterpreneurship says that everything takes twice as long and twice as much money than you expect.
Since I don't have the best credit in the world (spent too long volunteer teaching in Asia) and banks aren't exactly lining up to give money for adult toys, I'm asking you to help me, help you.
Thanks and be good!
~average girl in LA